If we value our children we must help them to develop a value system that benefits them and positively impacts the world in which they will live. Before you can teach values, however, you must decide which values to teach. This means stopping to think about what you believe is important.
What do you want to teach your children about life? What about aging, health and well being, relationships, sexuality, religion and spirituality, money and finances, education, and grief and loss? These are big parts of life that most of us experience and have struggled with at some point.
If we hope to influence our children, we must live with both intention and attention – we must know what we want to teach them and make sure that we do so at every opportunity.
Talking About Sexuality
Many parents find the issue of sexuality to be especially difficult to talk about with their children. We often ask them to point out their eyes, ears, nose, belly button…. And then we skip to their knees and toes! The end result of such omissions is that children end up with no vocabulary for important parts of the body. The other alternative is the cutesy names like “pee pee”, and “nana”, and all the other ones you’ve heard over time. It is really important that a child knows the correct terms for different parts of the body so that they can be comfortable with their bodies, and how they work, and how to take care of them. Using words that are not “dictionary terminology” may give the impression that the body part being talked about is somehow shameful. Additionally, when the child needs to seek help, it is important that they have a language (vagina/penis) that can be used with confidence and understood rather than a nickname used by the family, especially when abuse or health care is at issue.
Ideally, there won’t just be the one big “sex talk”. If you have little conversations along the way, it will be less of a big deal and kids will be comfortable when the topic comes up. In fact you can start around age 3. At this age, be sure to define sex for kids. As defined in the dictionary, sex is to be designated male or female. In other words, it is more than just sexual intercourse and we can start with the basics of gender and names for body parts. Remember, sexuality is a topic that is greatly affected by a child’s stage of development and environment. Note that when it comes to discussing sex and sexuality with older children, you’ll want to be prepared to talk about emotions, beliefs about love, being needed and wanted, and self esteem as it is appropriate based on their age and level of understanding. While we cannot always be there to protect and inform our children, we can definitely model how we like to be treated in a relationship, in addition to providing a safe and nurturing environment and sharing with your children how to seek help when they need it. Most importantly, parents can help the children think for themselves or do some critical thinking about how their behaviors and actions can affect their self esteem, safety, and growth. A parent can model the family’s values and beliefs, affirming both parent and child as loving people worthy of both love and respect.
Recommended Books:
- It’s Not the Stork: A Book About Girls, Boys, Babies, Bodies, Families, and Friends by Robie H. Harris
- It’s Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex, and Sexual Health by Robie H. Harris
- Deal with It! A Whole New Approach to Your Body, Brain and Life as a gURL. By Rebecca Odes
- The Guy Book: An Owner’s Manual by Mavis Jukes
- GLBTQ: The Survival Guide for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, and Questioning Teens 2nd edition by Kelly Huegel
Please feel free to share other tips and resources you have found useful in your approach to talking to kids about sex!
